The begining of my blogging

HELLLLooooo out there. So I was talkin to my sister and we were talking about her log and I figure I would try writting my own. Thought it might be good to get some thoughts out and since I find it really hard someitmes to share my real thoughts and have been not so social lately maybe this might help and help me get some responce and some idea of what others think in their noisy yet quiet minds. I please ask that you ignor my spelling as I know it can be "creative" sometimes lol

So here I go... I have been finding it really hard lately to be motivated to do much. I find in the winter I have a no ambition to do anything but live for my daughter. I find I can go days sometimes weeks really down yet able to put on a happy face to all around me but I zone out on TV for ever and could sleep for the whole day if I could. I have moments in the day where I snap out of it and take a deap breath and try and really just appreciate all that is around me. I seem to be in a spot right now where I cant seem to get ahead. I have finacial troubles beyond galour but yet I seem to get everything I need. When I look around my house I feel more than blessed as everything except for one small table has been given to me, even this computer :) Yet I can not afford a lot of the things I would love for my daughter. I am terrified of getting my drivers license and at times dont want to leave my house or ask anyone to help with grocerys. There are a whole lot of little things I could complaine about but then I see adds on TV for those poor starving childen who have no choice in life and I know I dont have it that bad. I think my worst feeling right now is the feeling of always being on pain and being on pain killers to be able to function. My house is a mess because I rarely have enough energy to clean it up. I think people must look at me and wonder lol... I have had axiety disorder for probably most my life but got diagnosed when i was 20. I am now 31 and have come a long long way in dealing with it. I know it runs my life but at the same time I forget I have it and think I am crazy. When I say axiety dissorder its not that I am axious all the time, infact I am a very patient and calm kind of a person. I just get sometimes where I all of a sudden have the physical symptoms that someone has when they are having a heart attack, my eyesight goes compleetly all wacky and my ability to think properly is gone. I usualy have no idea its going to happen and in the past have actaully passed out from it. When I was a child I would pass out someitmes but I grew up in a christian scientist home and we never went to the doctors so I never had it checked out. I think now I have a phobia of passing out as it is very imbarasing and can also hurt... and the feeling of an axiety or panic attack is the same feeling right before you pass out. I want so badly to make a difference in peoples lives, especailly children but then somehow can talk myself out of it as in I am not good enough or how is someone like me ever gonna be able to do it. Or I get all freaked out that I will pass out or have an attack and think peopl ethink I am stupid so my life is somewhat missing a JOB!!! I have tried therapy and medication and have even gone as far as doing many spiritual courses to just see how the mind works of which I am sure I will write alot about at another time as I have had some pretty incredible times and understandings that have helped me HUGLY. Only thing with those are that they are a constant need to be at the forfrunt of your mind and at times I slip away into forgetting all aout it. Anyway I need to go to bed but thought I would start the writting now :) Hope to hear from some of you and hope you keep reading and would love to hear any and all imput weather good or bad. Big smiles to you all, Liddle girl