No more complaints...

So I was talking with a friend and kinda re reading what I have wrote and MAN do I ever complain allot lol... I dont want to keep alive what I am NOT happy about but rather am gonna make this blog about what I do want to create in my life and my hopes and dreams. So to start off with I would absolutely love for world peace lol lol lol... at least my world in peace. I would love to be able to drive and be able to go on adventures and drives with Kenzy to and when ever we want. To be able to afford the clothing I would really like to wear.. to live in a home that I am proud of and is clean and tidy lol... smiling cause I know this is very achievable... I would love to be in a position in life to really make a difference in peoples lives, especially children. To be able to study behaviour and learn how to help children gain or keep the innocence that is so sad to watch them loose the older they get and the more they have to deal with the little things that life and people throws at them. Would love to be able to just look at a child and imprint in their little brains how wonderful and perfect each and everyone is. I would love to be able to tell parents that try to control their children to give it a rest as they will figure out what works and what doesn't but we never get a second chance to help nurture them and help make their choices on who they are going to be in life. To tell them to enjoy their time while they have children at home and to let the children be their weird corky selfs, as if you do that then the magical love starts and wonderful things happen and the best times happen. Would love to be able to be in every parents ear just saying just take a second and give your child a hug, takes 30 seconds at most but makes the world of a difference in their confidence and happiness. To always give freely with NO strings attached and let children make mistakes and love them even more for it instead of scold them for it actaully talk to them about it and then LET IT GO! I would love most of all to just be able to show people that they are all here for a reason and that anger and hurt are a waste of time, that waiting for other people to do things is putting the power in others hands and you might be waiting a life time for them to take action so why not do it yourself and smile while doing it ;). But most of all I would love to be ale to LIVE all these words. I understand them all and can see so clearly how these things can make a world of a difference but to actually KNOW them and live them from the inside would transform my life like you wouldnt believe. I figure if I can live them then it might be contagious and catch on. I want to be able to get a job and not think twice, to make the best of it even if I fail. To use all situations as a chance to give. To be able to create a good enough income that all of mine and my daughters needs were met and I wouldnt have to stress over bills any longer. I would love to write children's books. I would love a nice camera to capture the wonderful monents that happen and we can remember them forever, to capture pure joy and pure interest in peoples face and all the wonderful things that occure around us, to capture the little things not otherwise noticed. I would love to train and study animals and just be in a position to study and watch them. I would love to be able to go to a small town overseas and be submersed in giving love to children that are craving love and NEEDING love so badly. To really know what the most important things in life are. I want my family to be very close and for my brother and sister and father and mother to be closer than they are. I want to be able to be in at least a weekly part of all my nieces and nephew's lives. I want to do something for my cousin who is autistic and really could use a family of people around him and to make my aunt realize what a truely wonderful person she truely is. I would love to sit and talk about life with my uncle for hours on end and be able to write it all down lol. I want to write books for people to help them in their day to day life and help them smile from the inside out. I would love to have the confidence to paint all the pictures I dream about painting and would love to swim under a WARM waterfall.... I would love to be at ease in all situations even if it called for me to be assertive. I would love to feel awake and healthy and good every morning I wake up. I want to not have to hide my pain any longer and have thoughts of being crazy any longer. I want to run as far and as fast as I can as long as I want. I want to have a job where I can dress up sometimes and wear sweats other times. I want to feel like I am giving always... for now that is all I am going to write about that... I am going to share an exercises I did in a course I took. It was a guided vision of your best day ever. I found it interesting and although I can not remember all the exact details I was surprised what I found out.

So it began with us waking up in the morning and envisioning the room around us and where we were sleeping... I was in a circular bed by myself, I was around 40 or so, I lived in a penthouse with very tall ceilings and big long red velvet drapes and a big red shag carpet around and under my bed. My walls were cement or grey, I lay ed in bed for a while and then got up and went into my little room that had One big red pillow in it and bamboo and 3 waterfalls in it and 2 tall windows with white flowing curtains and the windows were open to make it seem dreamy. I sat down and meditated for about a half hour. I then went back into my bedroom and into my HUGE bathroom to take a shower, I had a big shower with 2 shower heads so that there never was a chance to get cold and a big soaker tub up on 5 steps. I got out after a LONG shower and then went into my closet that was full of so many colours it looked like a rainbow with a light shinning behind it. I got dressed in some cord bell bottoms and a tight but long tshirt and a nice knitted red sweater with some red boots with a small heal. I felt like I was smiling from the inside out, like I was very grateful to have a choice on what to weat and wanted to express the most amount of joy in the outfit I chose. I then went to my kitchen to get some food. I had a open concept kitchen.living room, dining room. When I got to the kitchen there was a fruit smoothly waiting for me with piece of paper under it with a picture of a heart. I then all of a sudden was in a limo going to a big kind of rec center place. I was then in an office watching some videos and taking notes and doing paperwork at the same time, working at my own pace with no sense of pressure. Then a man with HUGE dreads came in and told me they were ready and I went with him to this big gym like setting where there were children everywhere. They were all in groups doing things like playing pass with a ball and climbing ropes and all kinds of things but there was one group waiting for me of about 30 children waiting to watch a movie. There were about ten other adults in a line all smiling at me, they were all African and in bright colours as well. We were announcing something but I dont know what... next I went to go meet someone for lunch, I was on a strip of grass about 30 feel wide and forever long, I had no shoes on and could feel the sums warmth on my whole being. There were trees about every ten feet of so and from behind one came a man with salt and pepper hair, loose slacks and no shoes on and a box's of sushi. We sat and smiled and ate lunch and then I appeared back at work doing some more paperwork and smiling and feeling like I was doing good, that I was blessed and could not believe I was where I was. I went home and entered my door and there was an instant feeling of family in my home. I went into the dining room and there was food on the table and my brother, sister, mother and kenzy and about 5 of her friends all waiting for me to eat some food...
that is about all i remember but I was amazed that first I lived in a penthouse as I thought i would live in the jungle or something lol, and that I was the head of some sort of program it seemed and had people actually working for me. It was a freeing feeling and I felt whole.
Well that is all for now, its time for nigh nigh lol... I am sure there are a lot of things I am missing and I know there are a lot of meaningful things I missed but I am sure will come out in the writtings to come. Ill be back soon to write more of what I would like to accomplish and what things I dream of for myself, the ones I love and for everyone. Thanks for reading :)

more and more thoughts...

we just entered one of my most favorite and most dreaded times of year. It finnaly snowed and is really cold outside... I can be ok with the rain cause its what keeps this wonderful city so green but the snow... Im thinkin it should stay on the mountains lol but I will take it as it comes as It really does give children so much joy. This last month has been very very hard on me financially and its begining to take its tole on me mentaly. I lost my phone, grrrrrr after only having it three weeks, my daughter had to have some emergency dental work done and for the 6th or 7th time now someone stole $500 out of my bank account. I reported it to the police because it has realy screwed me up with bills and stuff but they said as long as the bank is reembursing you then thats what comes with having a bank account.. which I understand but geeze lol. I feel bad because I have had to use any extra money I have and borrow just to keep up but still I am struggling and it doesnt make me feel very good at all. I guess maybe this is the universe telling me or showing me that life is not all about money but about the times that can be created with no money needed... Im just tryin to take things almost one second at a time lol and make it work. My daughter is going to her Fathers who lives in washington for Christmas (we wil see if she makes it) which is a blessing in desguise as I dont have much for her for Christmas and he Dad is getting her some good stuff... would be nice if it was child support but hey, the world has a weird way of answering your needs. I have been so much in a slum that my house is a disaster... you would think with having no money, meaning more time at home, that I would clean clean clean... instead I look at it and want to close my eyes and read... why did they not tell me it was a lifetime of cleaning after having children ... kidding, I have pretty much just agreed with myself that I would rather have fun and be an active mum then cleaning all the time and when there is down time to actaully rest so that I have energy to play when needed... ut it is sooo nice to have a clean house... sorry if this seems like a wine fest... anyway I am off to shower then to a friends house to make gingerbread houses :):):) Should be a good old messy fun time. If anyone knows of any work you can do from home that is legit please let me know as I have been looking ut have not found anything and I need to start makin some more $$$

trying to keep the writing up...just a couple thoughts for the day

Keep thinkin about what to write and I just want to say that its way to late to write lol and I need to sleep as tomorrow is going to be a crazy day... Kenzy has dentist in the morning... hope it goes better than last week as last week was the first time I ever watched my daughter REALLY FREAK out over something... she was fine till we got home and then all of a sudden I guess when the freezing wore off she was screaming and running all over the house as if to try and get out of her actaul body... Brave little girl though is not scared to go back tomorrow... and then after lunch its gingerbread house making at her school and then the last day of swimming! Lets hope I feel better tomorrow than I did today. I am very much appreciating the sun even though its beyond cold. I think the fact Kenz and I put up the christmas stuff has lifted my spirits a little as well. Now off to feed the rodents and the cats and fish and then hopefully to dream world. Hope you are smiling inside, thanks for reading, Katy

The begining of my blogging

HELLLLooooo out there. So I was talkin to my sister and we were talking about her log and I figure I would try writting my own. Thought it might be good to get some thoughts out and since I find it really hard someitmes to share my real thoughts and have been not so social lately maybe this might help and help me get some responce and some idea of what others think in their noisy yet quiet minds. I please ask that you ignor my spelling as I know it can be "creative" sometimes lol

So here I go... I have been finding it really hard lately to be motivated to do much. I find in the winter I have a no ambition to do anything but live for my daughter. I find I can go days sometimes weeks really down yet able to put on a happy face to all around me but I zone out on TV for ever and could sleep for the whole day if I could. I have moments in the day where I snap out of it and take a deap breath and try and really just appreciate all that is around me. I seem to be in a spot right now where I cant seem to get ahead. I have finacial troubles beyond galour but yet I seem to get everything I need. When I look around my house I feel more than blessed as everything except for one small table has been given to me, even this computer :) Yet I can not afford a lot of the things I would love for my daughter. I am terrified of getting my drivers license and at times dont want to leave my house or ask anyone to help with grocerys. There are a whole lot of little things I could complaine about but then I see adds on TV for those poor starving childen who have no choice in life and I know I dont have it that bad. I think my worst feeling right now is the feeling of always being on pain and being on pain killers to be able to function. My house is a mess because I rarely have enough energy to clean it up. I think people must look at me and wonder lol... I have had axiety disorder for probably most my life but got diagnosed when i was 20. I am now 31 and have come a long long way in dealing with it. I know it runs my life but at the same time I forget I have it and think I am crazy. When I say axiety dissorder its not that I am axious all the time, infact I am a very patient and calm kind of a person. I just get sometimes where I all of a sudden have the physical symptoms that someone has when they are having a heart attack, my eyesight goes compleetly all wacky and my ability to think properly is gone. I usualy have no idea its going to happen and in the past have actaully passed out from it. When I was a child I would pass out someitmes but I grew up in a christian scientist home and we never went to the doctors so I never had it checked out. I think now I have a phobia of passing out as it is very imbarasing and can also hurt... and the feeling of an axiety or panic attack is the same feeling right before you pass out. I want so badly to make a difference in peoples lives, especailly children but then somehow can talk myself out of it as in I am not good enough or how is someone like me ever gonna be able to do it. Or I get all freaked out that I will pass out or have an attack and think peopl ethink I am stupid so my life is somewhat missing a JOB!!! I have tried therapy and medication and have even gone as far as doing many spiritual courses to just see how the mind works of which I am sure I will write alot about at another time as I have had some pretty incredible times and understandings that have helped me HUGLY. Only thing with those are that they are a constant need to be at the forfrunt of your mind and at times I slip away into forgetting all aout it. Anyway I need to go to bed but thought I would start the writting now :) Hope to hear from some of you and hope you keep reading and would love to hear any and all imput weather good or bad. Big smiles to you all, Liddle girl